I know I’m over a decade late to the party, but I’ve just gotten round to watching Being John Malkovich, thanks to Tim showing me how the whole BU library system works. Thanks to, y’know, being at university and all that, my brain’s been tricked into seeing the theoretical debates behind movies like this. Damn it.

It was a pretty awesome movie and I suggest anyone who hasn’t seen it see it soon. But if you’d like I’ll sum the whole idea up for you here. Don’t want the plot to be spoilt? Well, you’re watching the movie for the wrong reason. Shunned.

Essentially this bloke here – Craig Schwartz – is an out of work puppeteer and so goes to apply for a job at LesterCorp, situated on the quirky 7 1/2th floor. When sorting files, he (quite conveniently) finds a portal which, when passed, will allow whoever went through it to see through the eyes of John Malkovich himself for fifteen minutes, before being chucked out at the roadside. 

I could ruin the plotline further by saying he falls for his co-worker Maxine, who then falls for Malkovich when Craig’s then-wife Lotte embodies him, therefore forcing Craig to embody Malkovich to spite Lotte and finally be with Maxine, but then she gets pregnant while Lotte embodies Malkovich so it’s technically her baby. But anyway, I wouldn’t do that.

Throughout the movie everyone who goes through this portal – despite Malkovich himself, obviously (because that’d be weird) – feels untold happiness after being able to embody someone else, let alone it be famous actor John Malkovich. So it raises several interesting questions, which essentially boil down to this: Would you?

If you found a portal to become John Malkovich, would you go through it? Would you enjoy it? It’s an interesting question, and it’s one I’ve always really pondered through life. Wouldn’t it be weird if I was just instantly famous? Wouldn’t it be weird if I could see myself? Wouldn’t it be weird if I could influence another persons actions as if I was them? Obviously, being a famous person would be amazing. In the film it’s capped at fifteen minutes, which is probably best. Any longer and you’d go crazy, right?

But enough of the questions. When I was growing up, it was more of the idea of embodying my friends. I know that sounds kind of dodgy, but bear with me. Of course, I am me. I’ve never experienced what it’s like to be anyone else. My internal persona may not be how I am perceived by others.  “Am I normal?” is a very typical question asked by those growing up, and the answer is “You’ll never know, unless someone invents a John Malkovich portal.”

Then you’ve got to think what you’d do if you had control of another body. I’m sure many of you are instantly thinking of pervy things (much like in the movie itself), but I suppose that’s only human nature. There’s no point going to make a cup of tea, watch TV or just Facebook rape them – you’re John sodding Malkovich!

But alas, now let’s move on to a more theoretical side of things. I know, my lecturers are loving this. Are your actions as another person real?

I mean, of course you’re physically doing these actions as this person, so in that sense it’s real. But how much is seeing through our own eyes real, let alone someone else’s? Their experience of the world could be far contrasting to your own, so embodying them does that bring you into their real? Ah, so many unanswered questions. Where’s Claudia when you need her? (Oh, right…)

In short, I won’t bore you with the details of that theory – it would take well over your attention span and besides, I can’t remember their names off hand – but I’d like to pose a question if you’ve stomached it this far: What would you do if you could be John Malkovich?

1. AUCB students have a course requirements to dress-up before lessons.

2. Student Elections are on this week.

3. Steve’s so badass he forgets he puts his wallet in his shoe.

4. Nothing pleases the flat inspection lady.

5. American’s don’t like frosty nipples.

This was originally a script for a video I was going to put up on my YouTube, but when I recorded it the lighting was so bad you could hardly see me. I was going to re-record today, but it’s getting dark and the light in my room isn’t very good. So it’s going here. Enjoy…?

Unless you’re some uptight little snob, like the Queen, the Pope or… God or someone, you probably do your own shopping. Some of you may even like doing it. But grocery shopping? Seriously?

Ladies, when you’re not making sandwiches, talking about shoes with your “girlfriends” or busy conforming to any other stereotype, you love shopping. Even in supermarkets. Supermarkets being where all the crazy people come together to form some sort of honorary mental asylum. You’ve got the bloke who seems to follow you everywhere, the old couple who debate which kind of rich tea biscuit is best, and that woman who always reads the back of every packet even though she knows she can’t have it because of her wheat intolerance and should really stick to the stuff she knows without getting in the way when you try and get something off the top shelf and she’s in the w-… yeah. You love them.

Blokes, you don’t. You go in, you go out. Even if it’s a beer run, you’re in and out. Sometimes you look to see if there’s any offers on what you want, but nothing more than a minute. I just can’t fathom how some people can browse in supermarkets. You can’t browse at… milk, can you? (Although supermarkets, we know the milk with the best date’s at the back at the bottom. Oh yes. We’re on to you).

But my problem is this. I’m a student. Already saying that, you imagine spending all my money on Pot Noodles, vodka and drugs, because you’re a sucker for the media. But no, I just get screwed over by Student Finance.

Student Finance, you might be wondering what that is if you’re not from the UK. So I’ve outlined my problem with them with a metaphor. Domino’s Pizza. See, all I want is three Pepperoni pizzas and possibly a sweet chilli dip. How hard can that be?

*RING RING*
Hello?
Hello. Hi. Is this Domino’s?
Yes, it is! It’s your one-stop shop for all your pizza-related metaphors. We can give you all the pizza you need to get you through your three years of party, get-togethers and-
Okay, whatever. I just need a few pizzas before my guests arrive.
Certainly, what would you like?
Urm, just three large pepperoni pizzas please. Keep it simple, you know.
Ah, sure, okay then. Hang on one second.
*WAITS*
Okay, hello?
Yes, hi! Okay, how much is that going to-
Sorry before we can give you your pizza, we just need to know how many people are at your party, what their annual income is, whether you live with any of the guests, if they own their-
Woah, hang on hang on. Why’d you need that?
So we can work out how much pizza you’re getting.
But I need three pizzas. And a sweet chilli dip. That’s what I ordered.
You may have ordered that sir, but your situation does not warrant that much pizza. We’re willing to give you two Texas Barbeque pizzas delivered in three instalments throughout the evening.
Hold up, why are you giving me two pizzas I didn’t even order?
Well from our records, your current situation means that you don’t need any more pizza than that.
Well my guests aren’t going to give me their own pizza, it has nothing to do with them. I need three pepperoni pizzas and a sweet chilli dip to get us through this evening.
Sorry, sir. We can’t give you a sweet chilli dip. Our records show you have more than enough already.
So what do you expect us to do, starve?
That’s not what we’re aiming to do, sir. We’re trying to award the pizza to the people who are in need of it most.
Oh, so that’s why next door can throw out unused pizza, is it? How can he afford to go out drinking all the time when I can’t even afford Sainsbury’s basics ready salted crisps?

…okay, I might have slipped out of metaphor…

But that’s my point. I just don’t get what I need from Student Finance as it is. It seems they’ve got some serious flaws in their system. If it wasn’t thanks to my parents for setting me up a savings account from when I was a wee one, I would have been screwed by now. So if you’re listening Brown, Cameron, Clegg or… god forbid Griffin,that’s what you need to get my vote (and, in the case of at least one of you, stop being a racist mofo).

It’s also annoying that Mr Sainsbury’s has the balls to give me a “£3 off when you spend £30 or more in store” voucher. Thanks for rubbing it in, dude. If it wasn’t for your Nectar card, you’d be receiving an angry letter… or something…

Essentially, my point is this. My proposal, dragons, is to create a chain of stores made especially for students. Everything inside it is £1. You could put them where all the Woolworths stores were and while everything inside it will be inherently sub-standard, it’s cheap, and that’s what students love. In fact, put them in nearly every town in the UK and everyone will love it. We’d become, like, a Pound… Land!