“Who wins? You decide.”

04 November 2008 By Matt 1 In General Blog

It occurred to me this afternoon that, even though I’m sick of hearing about the 2008 American Presidential election, it still gets less media coverage than, say, Big Brother and the god knows how many times that’s run. Blimey.

But we’re getting towards the end of it now. I’m loving that I’m safe in the knowledge that when I wake up tomorrow morning, all this political nonsense will be over. No more bitching about who’s better. No more constant reminders that Americans will decide the fate of the world. No more… spammy Plurk posts from Ian.

So, in case you’ve somehow just not listened to anyone for since March, here’s the two potential candidates:

So we’ve got Barack Obama first, the Democratic candidate for the presidency. If you think I’m actually going to be serious about this election, you’ve got another thing coming. Obama’s a lean mean griller machine. He doesn’t take nothing from no one. He’s the man. Maybe he’s not a man. Maybe he’s a machine.

Nevertheless, he’s the next president. If he’s not, I’m going to be wondering what you American’s were doing wasting your vote like that.

Then in the red corner, you’ve got John McCain of the Republicans. He is the Ken of the election. He’s old school, made of plastic and got ditched for the skinnier, more popular female one. John McCain’s ego is the only man-made thing you can see from space.

He wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t such an arrogant bastard. The whole “I’ve been in a war” thing gets old pretty quickly. You’re just not hip McCain. Perhaps you need yours replacing.

If it were up to me, I’d choose Jeremy Clarkson to be the next US president. Or perhaps Bill Bailey. Both of them deserve something equally as awesome in ranking, anyway, so why not let it be presidency?

I’d so totally vote for them. That is, if it wasn’t just down to the Americans. Now, I do love some of you Americans, but you’re severely drowned out by the deafening wobbles of the average American. (You know, someone who goes around, eating McDonalds, getting pregnant 7 times – calling their first-born Clitoris – before realising that you don’t just catch a pregnancy just like a cold)

So please. It’s a plea from us English to you Americans. Please make the right choice. Vote with your head (it’s a lot harder that way, but try it, it’s fun).

Also, when you’ve made a decision, I don’t want half of you going “Oh, that’s not what I voted for”. Tough. You should’ve convinced more people to your side instead of annoying them.

Then just sit back and wait for, as V pointed out, the next leader of China will be much bigger news. So good luck with that.