I know you won’t believe me when I tell you this, because you’ll be sure someone would have mentioned it before reading it here. But, y’know, it’s Christmas day right now! HAPPY DAYS.
Obviously, it won’t be if you’re reading this on any other day other than the 25th, because that’s just silly. If you are, just pretend you’re reading this while you’ve got the Christmas dinner in the oven. So don’t worry, I’ll keep this brief.
Let’s just split this up for different age groups:
- 0-9 years: Happy Christmas! Although your parents really shouldn’t be letting you on my blog for all the sarcastic bashing and backhand, swear-y piss-takes I do, I hope you have a good day anyway. If you got your wish list to Santa before the postal strike, hopefully he’ll get your presents to you before he slips on the untreated roads you no doubt live nearby. Failing that, let’s just hope he isn’t done for drink driving. Do him a favour and just leave milk, yeah?
- 10-14 years: I can say Merry Christmas to you now, because let’s face it, I’m sure you’re pissed out of your face on cheap wine or White Lightning already (that is, assuming you’re wearing tracksuit bottoms). If you still believe in Father Christmas, then you deserve your friends taking the micky out of you. Keep working over Christmas, because believe me, if you don’t, you will be working on Christmas Day. Then I can laugh at you for being a dumbass.
- 15-20 years: Merry Christmas! You’re in the age bracket where you can still ‘celebrate’ Christmas because all you need to do is go round some other mugs house and have them cook all the food for you. Sorted, I’d say. Make sure you put on a happy face when you open a present from someone in the room, regardless of whether you like it or not. They’re bound to be taking pictures of you and putting it on Facebook. Do your hair. Get dressed. At least wear underwear.
- 21-55 years: Oh, is it that time of year already? Geez, it’s so commercialised now, isn’t it! It’s such a hassle. Every shop gets into the mood by early November you’re bored of it by the 25th December. Bugger me. Hope you’ve defrosted the turkey and made sure everyone knows where they’re sitting. It could be a right palava! Just keep your brother off the chocolates so he doesn’t spoil all that effort you put into it all. Try to remember to enjoy yourself, regardless of whether you have presents to open or not. You are the hidden gem of the day, because 9 times out of 10 you’re going to be the person’s shoulders the whole day rests on. Don’t bugger it up, now!
- 56+ years: Congratulations! You’ve survived another day! Not that Christmas is anything to get excited about, you’re just glad the roads are quiet for once and there’s finally something good on the TV. Don’t forget to set the VCR to record The Royle Family. You need it on the right channel on the box, remember. It’s all digital nowadays! Just try and get through the day without falling over in an embarrassing fashion and you should be all right. Mulled wine, anyone?
And with that, I hope you have a good day, and don’t fall out with any of the family this time! =]
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