I’m getting really rather annoyed with the people in Poole town centre. You can’t go anywhere without walking into someone, someone walking into you or a band of slow walking people coming either toward you moving the same way as you to cause maximum frustration.
So here’s a guide I’ve done, which I titled the National Walking Initiative. Look, I’ve made a logo and everything.
Unfortunately, the rules of English grammar won’t let me call it the Walking Initiative National, which would have made for a much better acronym.
So first thing’s first. Let’s make lanes for speed. Ever driven a car? Well, just take that concept onto the pavement.
When walking on the pavement, stick to the left-hand side. Assuming you’re of average walking ability, this shouldn’t be a problem. If there’s people who are walking the opposite way and are following the same rule, there shouldn’t be a problem.
If someone’s walking the same way, but faster, they can overtake you, assuming they have time to get in front of you on the left hand side before any oncoming person reaches you. If someone is overtaking you, don’t suddenly speed up, that really pisses people off.
There will be, on occasion, when you’re not walking by yourself. It’s only fair you want to talk to your friend, so just abide by this rule. You can stay on the right hand side until you catch sight of someone coming the opposite way. Before you collide in some sort of clustered, embarrassing manner, just slot in behind the person on the left until you pass, then come back out again. It isn’t hard. That way you don’t piss everyone else off trying to get somewhere.
Obviously, if there’s more than two of you, just adopt the same thing, just doubling up. Simples.
I’m sure you don’t just keep walking for ever (contrary to what it seems you do at the worst possible time), so when you need to stop make sure you check there’s nobody behind you. You should at no point make me suddenly stop just because you’ve seen a pretty dress in the window of New Look.
If you need to cross the road, for example, make sure nobody’s walking either way so you don’t cross their paths. If they are, wait until they’ve gone around you before going. Whatever you do, don’t walk and then stop in the other person’s way. That’s doubly annoying, really.
Similar rules apply to stairs. I know I sound like your secondary school headmaster, but when moving on the stairs always stick to the left hand side, unless one of the above reasons comes up, then you should behave accordingly.
There should be no reason to stop on stairs, unless you take a strange liking to the bannister. If you change your mind when half way up stairs, it’s okay to stop and turn round providing the same conditions as the Crossing Rule are met.
There’s another couple of situations that need to be addressed also:
- If you’re holding hands, that’s nice and lovely, but try and take up as little room on the pavement as possible. Allow enough space for someone to slinky past the person on the right without causing too much of an embarrassing situation as they brush past your boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Children – be they walking or in pushchairs – should not be used as proverbial Get Out Of Jail Free Cards. I know you probably had them to get money from the council, but at least abide by one rule for once in your life. Don’t use them as barrier rams.
- Similar message goes out to people in wheelchairs, also. These do not grant you special privileges to barge through people. People can let you past if they are decent enough, but don’t expect them to move.
- With these rules, you will have people following you. So it’s either pull your trousers up, Mr Chav, or slow down so others can pass you with ease.
- There’s a special case in Poole High Street when there’s a train going past and the barriers go down. There’s stairs to a bridge for a reason. Don’t wait for the barriers to go up again by blocking the entrance/exit to the bridge. You’re doing it wrong.
Hopefully these little points will help you when walking. Feel free to take that logo and announce you’re following the rules to passers by. Print them out. Put them on stickers. Hey, even put it as your phone wallpaper for ease of access and show people when they’re breaking the rules. Maybe I need to introduce an on-the-spot fine. Where would I go about introducing that?
*likes*