You’ve all been there. There’s that awkward period of silence when there’s just you and someone you vaguely know in a room. Nothing else is happening, so you know you should say something. But what? What would make you not sound like a complete arse? Welcome, enter the science of small talk.

Small talk is, by definition, “saying something that’s completely obvious to the other person”, so no matter what you say you’re most likely going to feel like an idiot for saying it. But small talk – or phatic communication as posh, know-what-they’re-talking-about people such as Bronisław Malinowski call it – serves a much greater social purpose than just trying to avoid staring at the corner of the room again.

It’s used for people to ascertain another’s social position judging by the answer they give and how they interpret it. It’s used as a little tester, if you will. The verbal equivalent of dipping your foot in a bath before going in. By asking a simple question like “Oh, nice weather isn’t it?” and judging their response, you’ll know if they’re a nice person, or a bellend. If they reply with a non-intrusive ‘Yeah’, for example, they’re more shy. But if they reply with ‘Fuck off you nobber’, they’re probably the other end of the spectrum.

You can use it to start off a conversation when you find common ground to talk about, but if you find your bath scalding hot, then you can retract your toe with one. It’s used as a way to cushion the fact you don’t want to talk to someone by not abruptly ending what you were talking about. Aww, what a nice way to tell someone to shut up.

It’s used to bridge power, too. If your boss wants you to do a favour for them, they’ll most likely open up with small talk to come down to your level. That way, it doesn’t look like they’re being rude and telling you what to do, but they’re asking for it. Seeing as they’ve gone to all that effort, you oblige. That is, until, you get home at 9pm smelling of god knows what and fall asleep on the sofa after your wife complains how you’re just your boss’ tool for a couple of hours while your microwavable Tikka Masala gets cold on the side.

…or maybe that’s not you. Who knows.

Generally when you’re trying small talk with someone who you want to get to know, you’ll make it easy for them. You’ll ask them questions that invoke one, simple and easy response such as “It’s not raining again, is it?” to which they’ll probably reply “Too sodding right” in the quintessential British way we all do.

There’s this really complicated sounding thing called the Maxim of Quantity which essentially means you’ll reply to a question with the same magnitude as what was asked. For example, if someone makes small talk, you make small talk back. Someone asks if that seats taken, you’ll say no it isn’t, despite the fact it’s the only place you want your bag to go. You won’t go off on one, because that’s impolite.

Klaus Schneider – some bloke who did tests on this sort of stuff – found that this Maxim of Quantity was turned on its head in his tests. The more a person said in response to a piece of small talk, the more conversation could evolve and therefore lead to people making friends, giving high-fives, donating kidneys and such like.

Women are more likely to make small talk involving matters of the other persons appearance (tsk, women…), no doubt worrying they’re wearing the same earrings as the other person at the same time. However blokes are more likely to be more competitive in theirs. I don’t think we’d go so far as to punch them if they insulted us, but more like a friendly put-down. Something like “Whoops, you almost slipped there!”, while the other person thinks “No shit, Sherlock…”.

So assuming you’re normal, you don’t like silences. Maybe you do, who knows, but you probably don’t have any friends. Small talk is vital in making friends and building new bridges. So don’t ignore her, go talk to that foxy young thing at the bus stop, who knows where it’ll take you, besides Bournemouth Square…

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Tags: blog, Bournemouth, May, place, Sam