(I apologise in advance to the search engines. This post isn’t about bellends or Bell End, this is about the classification of people you could probably – quite harshly – describe as a bellend. As a result, all pictures illustrating this post are from a Google Image search for ‘douchebags’)
Today comes a post which is unusually (no, honestly) vulgar in manner. Generally I stop myself from insulting people in a direct way, but today I’ll let that slide a little. Let’s just say that today would’ve been the trigger for writing this post. You know who you are.
Today I found myself wondering mid-lecture what makes people cool. Granted, we were talking about people becoming who we are by interaction with the machines, but there’s always that bit of my brain that doesn’t pay attention and plays Yakety Sax on repeat. Then I went down the theoretical route and came to the conclusion that there’s no fixed interpretation of cool, and therefore no fixed interpretation of a bellend.
But what defines cool? Generally, we’ve got style, personality, lack of annoyance and general getting-on-with-ability of a person. To me, I think Stephen Fry is cool. I think Jimmy Carr is cool. I think even that Phil DeFranco is cool. To me, it’s the one thing I think defines cool, is that you can always be in a mood to tolerate these people.
So what’s uncool to me? I can’t stand people who smoke. I mean, I don’t mind if they don’t do it in my face or can hold off for a few hours, but I don’t like the people who make a bloody social of it every ten minutes. You also got people who don’t shut up, people who don’t know when to stop and generally people who claim to know more than they do.
There’s a sliding scale as to how much of a bellend you are. You can’t just either be a legend or a bellend, there’s varying degrees. I’ve called this study Tossology. Position yourselves on this chart and/or ask others to chart you on your behalf. Generally, anyone reading this here is in the bottom half, which is awesome. Good for you!
Want to be further down the scale? Awesome. Just try and be quote-unquote normal. I don’t mean be so normal you’re abnormal (that’s my job) but… don’t start playing a game in lecture, don’t play the same song at the back of a bus on your speakerphone and don’t leave your message tone on loud when it’s already gone off once already. Take the hint, idiot.
I say this, but at the same time I don’t want people to be all the same. You’re all awesome in your own, (very) unique way, just not in my view. I’m sure there’s some pea-brained, satsuma-coloured Twiglet out there who will love you just the way you are. But seeing as I’m not them, please turn down the douche dial for a while.
Hey, I’m a poet and didn’t know it.
No Comments on "What makes a bellend?"