I know I’m over a decade late to the party, but I’ve just gotten round to watching Being John Malkovich, thanks to Tim showing me how the whole BU library system works. Thanks to, y’know, being at university and all that, my brain’s been tricked into seeing the theoretical debates behind movies like this. Damn it.

It was a pretty awesome movie and I suggest anyone who hasn’t seen it see it soon. But if you’d like I’ll sum the whole idea up for you here. Don’t want the plot to be spoilt? Well, you’re watching the movie for the wrong reason. Shunned.

Essentially this bloke here – Craig Schwartz – is an out of work puppeteer and so goes to apply for a job at LesterCorp, situated on the quirky 7 1/2th floor. When sorting files, he (quite conveniently) finds a portal which, when passed, will allow whoever went through it to see through the eyes of John Malkovich himself for fifteen minutes, before being chucked out at the roadside. 

I could ruin the plotline further by saying he falls for his co-worker Maxine, who then falls for Malkovich when Craig’s then-wife Lotte embodies him, therefore forcing Craig to embody Malkovich to spite Lotte and finally be with Maxine, but then she gets pregnant while Lotte embodies Malkovich so it’s technically her baby. But anyway, I wouldn’t do that.

Throughout the movie everyone who goes through this portal – despite Malkovich himself, obviously (because that’d be weird) – feels untold happiness after being able to embody someone else, let alone it be famous actor John Malkovich. So it raises several interesting questions, which essentially boil down to this: Would you?

If you found a portal to become John Malkovich, would you go through it? Would you enjoy it? It’s an interesting question, and it’s one I’ve always really pondered through life. Wouldn’t it be weird if I was just instantly famous? Wouldn’t it be weird if I could see myself? Wouldn’t it be weird if I could influence another persons actions as if I was them? Obviously, being a famous person would be amazing. In the film it’s capped at fifteen minutes, which is probably best. Any longer and you’d go crazy, right?

But enough of the questions. When I was growing up, it was more of the idea of embodying my friends. I know that sounds kind of dodgy, but bear with me. Of course, I am me. I’ve never experienced what it’s like to be anyone else. My internal persona may not be how I am perceived by others.  “Am I normal?” is a very typical question asked by those growing up, and the answer is “You’ll never know, unless someone invents a John Malkovich portal.”

Then you’ve got to think what you’d do if you had control of another body. I’m sure many of you are instantly thinking of pervy things (much like in the movie itself), but I suppose that’s only human nature. There’s no point going to make a cup of tea, watch TV or just Facebook rape them – you’re John sodding Malkovich!

But alas, now let’s move on to a more theoretical side of things. I know, my lecturers are loving this. Are your actions as another person real?

I mean, of course you’re physically doing these actions as this person, so in that sense it’s real. But how much is seeing through our own eyes real, let alone someone else’s? Their experience of the world could be far contrasting to your own, so embodying them does that bring you into their real? Ah, so many unanswered questions. Where’s Claudia when you need her? (Oh, right…)

In short, I won’t bore you with the details of that theory – it would take well over your attention span and besides, I can’t remember their names off hand – but I’d like to pose a question if you’ve stomached it this far: What would you do if you could be John Malkovich?

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