Left and right you see posters from the Conservatives (mostly defaced) dissing Gordon Brown or whining that if the Lib Dems get any more votes there’ll be a hung Parliament. That’s a pretty weak sauce campaign, insulting other people. If we did that during senior prefect elections at school, we’d probably be thrown in detention.
So while walking to ASDA one day (you know, as you do) I was thinking – If I was running for Prime Minister of the UK I’d be dead excited. I mean, even on Christmas Eve I can’t sleep, so I can’t imagine how I would be the night before Election Day. But I tried, and here’s what I came up with.
Gordon Brown
Life couldn’t get any worse for Mr Brown right now. Nobody likes moving at the best of times, but when you’re used to the lap of luxury that is 10 Downing Street, a 4 bed semi in the countryside just doesn’t stack up. Even on Homes Under The Hammer.
So after taping up the last box and labelling it “Bedroom 4 – Fragile – Mrs Brown’s Lady Things” he pours himself a nice helping of scotch and sits in front of the TV watching Brokeback Mountain on Film4. This is his own chair that he gets a little uppity if anyone else sits in it. It’s his Man Chair.
He doses off just before the end and gets woken up at 4am by his wife vacuuming around him. He wakes up in a rather foul mood after she explains how she’s “got to make it look nice for the Camerons”.
He goes outside for some fresh air to wake him up, when he gets papped with messy hair and still wearing yesterday’s clothes. The Sun talks about “one last night of passion” the following day.
David Cameron
Now contrary to popular belief, David Cameron is actually nocturnal. Yep. When he does sleep he sleep’s upside down in the “Dave Cave”.
While most candidates are asleep dreaming away their hopes of running the country, the Cameron is out scoping out anyone who hasn’t yet been “converted” to his ways.
In the cover of darkness, Dave sneaks round to middle-class houses and sticks Vote For Change signs in their front gardens. When they wake up they’re too bleary eyed wanting to go vote for their preferred candidate at the earliest possible opportunity they won’t notice they were subconsciously brainwashed into putting an X next to their Tory candidate.
There’s nothing they can do about it. They don’t notice they put the X in the wrong box. If somehow they do and ask for another ballot paper, it happens again. And again. In the end they just vote for the guy and get on with their day.
A flap of his cape and Cameron’s away. You never notice a thing. But trust me, you’ll probably see him napping between announcements.
Nick Clegg
Unlike another candidate I could mention, Nick Clegg is mortal. As such he sleeps like you all would. No special powers. No no, Clegg’s a regular guy.
That said, some time’s things can get the better of him. The night before his last holiday he relied on the Ovaltine and a box set of Desperate Housewives to drop off.
Considering this time a few weeks ago nobody knew who he was he knows he won’t be able to sleep. Clegg’s solution? House party. Yep. He’s getting his Skins on. Playing the Leader’s Debate drinking game on recordings his mum made because “it’s her Nicky on the telly!”. Bless.
As 3am ticks round they reckon it’s time to try and get some shut eye. So his guests (his family, his friends and… Heather Mills) whip out their sleeping bags. But they spend the rest of the time talking about which of the members of their constituency they would like to snog, marry or avoid.
Nick Griffin
Nick Griffin doesn’t sleep. He waits.
The other lot
Wait, there’s other ones?
So that’s how David Cameron sleeps at night – He doesn’t. Wishing all the candidates the best of luck tomorrow (and I wish the working class luck if Cameron gets in. ZING!)
I love this post with an intense passion :-p