You. If you’re reading this on a new laptop that you got today it’s 12% more likely that your laptop is stolen (and 34% more susceptible to made up statistics). It’s stolen, most likely, from some innocent shop in London to which even I won’t make a joke about. It’s sad, unnecessary and just dry of all material. Curses.
But wait. What’s that? Of course, the ‘great’ British public are doing things again. Of course whenever I refer to the public, I of course imply the lowest common denominator – the scum which has formed around the toilet bowl of a disused mineshaft – those who didn’t quite make it into the local Job Centre’s 5-a-side.
I’m no expert at burning things (at least I don’t remember burning things to the ground…) but I’m going to go ahead and assume that you’re not supposed to be seen doing it. Especially not on TV. Broadcast around the world. I suppose they’re not the brightest bulbs, are they. Bless them.
But okay, there’s thousands of them. How do you make sure you stand out from these ‘youths’? Simple. Two words. Parasol throwing.
This guy has failed pretty hard. The intent was there I suppose (even his caveman instincts tell him to throw anything vaguely pointy) but even he clearly didn’t think his intuition was that pinpoint. A GCSE or two would have helped you out there, mate. Even the racially-equal pinheads in the science exam papers knew that was going to happen…
But okay, there’s no parasol around you. There’s just you, your ‘best bravas 4 eva’, a blunt object and a HMV. What do you do? Any good citizen wouldn’t describe their friends as ‘brava’s’, but if you fall into the other category you’re going to loot it, aren’t you. I knew it. I didn’t think you had it in you.
Unfortunately, that Blackberry you lifted from Phones 4 U has Twitter on it. The first thing that comes to mind is naturally brag about your efforts, right?
Not cool. Well, you could be fortunate and not mention your actual name. But for god sake don’t post a picture of your efforts anywhere on the Internet…
Oh, shoot. Although I’m sure they’ll be plenty of people in jail who’d like the adorable loveliness of Littlebigplanet. If not, I’m sure your shower buddies would enjoy that protein. You’ve really done yourself a favour tea-leafing only the useful things in later life.
Of course, it’s not clever to riot or loot stuff, especially on your own doorstep. Although if you set fire to and then loot your own house be my guest. It makes it easier to identify who’s going to succumb to the theory of natural selection first.
Speaking of identifying, the Internet’s having a field day with the one’s foolish enough to stare down the barrel of a CCTV camera. The Met Police uploaded photos to Flickr for people to help identify, nerds the world over are working out the logistics of facial recognition and of course a Tumblr solely to take the piss out of them that got caught in the act. Got to love the Interwebs!
Either way, rioting is for fools. But if you’re going to go to jail, you might as well provide some humour for the law abiding ones amongst us. Go forth! These Bieber tickets won’t buy themselves!
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